Assorted thoughts I had while watching Paradise

The absolute dumbest thing I'm enjoying right now.

I’m more of a movie person than a TV person, so I’m typically pretty behind on the television zeitgeist. I do have my stories, though. Abbott Elementary is appointment viewing in our household, and we are thrilled that Severance is finally back. We’ve also fallen for the most disturbing popcorn tv/network hit of the season, Paradise. I heard it was good, and that seems to be all I need these days. So we tuned in, and baybee! Glued to the screen!

I’m not going to spoil anything major that isn’t in all the trailers, but if you don’t even want to know that, then come back when you’ve watched the first episode. (Someone got mad at me for spoiling a romantic plot point from season 3 of The Good Wife, a show which has been off the air since 2016, but I trust the rest of y’all to be grown.) The plot, essentially, is that Secret Service agent Sterling K. Brown has to solve the murder of his friend, President James Marsden. There are lots of secrets, lots of monologues, and lots of cheese fries mentions. Cheese fries are honestly the perfect metaphor for what it’s like to watch this show: it’s not demanding in the moment—in fact, it’s kind of sublime in the moment. But too much of it will give you heartburn. It’s best not to think too much about it.

Still, here I am, thinking! In vaguely chronological order, here are the assorted thoughts I’ve had while watching Paradise.

• Sterling K. Brown is a dour version of the Denzel Always Plays a Bully maxim. Even his banter and flirting are pretty much just bullying. He will never cede the moral high ground, nor will he let someone else dominate the conversation. I wouldn’t mind it if he weren’t such a mope about it all the time.

• President James Marsden and his cheekbones are basically if JFK were George W. Bush, and also distractingly hot. (Don’t get in my comments and tell me that JFK was hot. Just because he was steady fucking does not mean he was hot.)

• That Secret Service agent is too tall and his secret Secret Service agent girlfriend is too small. Is that how they got together, I wonder?

• It’s a LOT of monologues in this one. I was never a This Is Us girlie, so this is a lot for me. But actors must love being on a Dan Fogelman joint.

• Speaking of: you know those actors who make you say “oh, of course” whenever they appear in something? Glynn Turman is one of those actors. Like, of course he’s playing Sterling K. Brown’s prideful pilot papa. Of course he is.

• The therapist wearing a turtleneck under her wide-legged pantsuit is NOT a lesbian? Sure, Jan.

• I know President James Marsden’s two personality traits are “kinda dumb” and “loves ‘80s and ‘90s rock,” but to name his only son Jeremy after the Pearl Jam song is nasty work. I can’t fully understand what these men are singing through their clenched teeth, but I’m pretty sure the titular Jeremy brings a gun to school and it all takes a predictably tragic turn.

• Julianne Nicholson is playing Elon Musk, but if he had the cutest freckles; loved his children; and actually knew how to build something rather than destroying everything he touches, whether by accident or design. This does not make her any less dangerous.

• This runner about cheese fries is honestly making me crave cheese fries. With grated cheese, not a sauce, and definitely not a nut-based cheese either. Is Big Dairy producing this show?

• Everybody just be writing secrets on their palms and then never sweating them off. What is the temperature and humidity control like in this place?

• I’m sorry but the “I have a message from the President” line drop is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.

• Having said that…thank you for that shower scene.

And you’re welcome, reader.

• The bartender says they’ve stockpiled two football fields’ worth of alcohol and I just do not know if that’ll be enough.

• If someone powerful threatened me with murder, there’s no way in hell I’m telling my bestie “I’ll tell you everything tomorrow.” Because there IS no tomorrow. I’m hosting a press conference right outside the room where I was threatened, ASAPtually.

• I actually need to hear so much more about how every single person was chosen to be here. Was there an application process? How would you choose references for such an application? Who conducted the interviews? What kind of Corporate Astrology™️ rubric did they use? Questions that need more answers than the therapist’s deck of cards, I’ll tell you that right now.

• President James Marsden truly had the worst last week, huh? His dad, his son, his secret girlfriend, AND his best Black friend all told him he wasn’t shit; and half of them said they wished he was dead. At this point, my money’s on him caving in his own skull with a rock.

Face don’t lie.